Our New New

​Between when I started and ended these words, our world has changed drastically. In the last day, the last week and the last month. 

I started off this post by complaining about my anxiety, and how my “new” was adjusting to working life at home, all of us. The brushing of shoulders and sharing of duties. The silent stares of “are you going to get that, or am I?”. The constant push and pull of working parents juggling all of the things. This is still my new. But I have a new “new” now: sole family earner. 

​It’s ironic that the email came in right as we were in the midst of what my original post was about: morning routines, failing at everything and feeling like I’ve lived my entire day before 9am. From where I stood this morning, it looked like any other morning struggle in our home. The day was falling apart, per usual. But when he returned from dropping our little one off at daycare, he looked at me and said “I was laid off this morning.”

My mouth dropped. My eyes welled. How could this be?

You were looking for other jobs, yes.
You weren’t happy there, yes.
But we were planning your exit together and on your own terms. And that didn’t happen.
They took that from you. From us.

I will not delve too deeply into the poor management and toxic culture of my husband’s company... how hurt I’ve felt for him on so many occasions and how he felt that he was improperly demoted for taking paternity leave throughout the year. How I smiled through gritted teeth so many when talking with his boss. How just the mere mention of the company’s name would make my blood boil. I’ve bottled it up more than I’ve realized. I have carried the weight of that pain for him, and kept it kind when all I wanted was to let loose. It's hard to see silver linings when all you see is red. But this loss of job, loss of income may also mean opportunity to let go of the discontent.

In a position of leadership myself, I am appalled at the way this company has treated their employees. If any member of my team were giving me feedback congruent to that which is a daily occurrence at his office, I would no longer be employed there. I would not be able to look myself in the mirror everyday and say “I did good today.” It’s a new era of healing for us. I just hope and pray that someday they will be guided in the right direction, and that the organization will be turned around into a place of positivity and growth. His experiences have fueled me in my career. They have pushed me to be a better, more empathetic leader in my organization. They have caused me to make changes where I saw fit. They have inspired me to be fair, just and transparent. 

So this is my “new”, but really, it is our "new”. He and I, and our family together. A new chapter is born and I am reframing my thoughts. Once the dust settles, he will get back up. I will too. We will let go of the negativity that has followed us for the last few years. He will steer his energies in the direction of projects that inspire him and set his soul on fire. I’m proud of him. This experience is transformative, and I can visualize the light on the other end. I’ve had a little time to process and to grieve. I see the opportunities this blessing in disguise will give us.

I am choosing to embrace the new-ness this experience holds.

This post was written as part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to read the next post in this series "All Things New".