Thoughts on Mother’s Day From a Mom Who Still Isn’t Sure

It’s my second Mother’s Day, and I still haven’t been able to make space to write about my journey to motherhood. Because of his prompt entrance to the world—both in utero and out—it left me with what seemed like an extremely small amount of time to process my new role. In fact, almost fourteen months of experience on my resume does not yield me much more confidence than the first day I peed on a stick. There is so much I do not know, and I've admitted that so often I feel buried in it. And funny enough, I find myself admitting that even in circumstances where I feel somewhat confident I am right. 

What a mindfuck motherhood can be.

Am I doing this right?

Should I just Google this?

Is this going to screw him up for life?
​
Is it okay if I __________? 

I look for comfort and camaraderie in women who feel the same. Those who are just trying to figure it out or those who have figured some stuff out—they are my people. You are seen, you are heard. You have a place with me, and I with you. We can commiserate together and we can celebrate each other's joys. And then I look to women who seemingly have it all figured out. 

Who can raise large families while working full time, and maintaining a healthy marriage, family relationships and friendships. 

Who can pursue creative dreams, professional goals, and personal enlightenment all before bedtime.

I watch you with awe. I aspire to be you one day when I grow up. And then when I talk to you to try to soak up every bit of knowledge I can from you—you tell me the one thing I was hoping not to be true, but find myself breathing a sigh of relief that it is: that you, too, don’t know what you’re doing. That you, too, are unsure from time to time. And while confidence seemingly increases as a function of time, we are all just trying to navigate motherhood one day at a time.

While my love for my son is completely unconditional, and I get more joy from his toothy grin than I ever thought was possible—Mother’s Day still brings an air of bittersweetness to me. My heart aches for those who have yet to become mothers, and are trying so hard. For those who are mothers, and are struggling. I am reminded of the daily level of inadequacy I feel, but also feel comfort and camaraderie with every mama I've ever met.